Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Art of Ostriching

Ostriching - Refusing to acknowledge a problem or issue, and expecting it to just go away on it's own while you've stuck your head in the sand.

I am the Queen of Ostriching, if it were an Olympic sport I would be a Gold medal winner several times over. I am fully aware that I do this and have actively tried to do this less in life. Sometimes though to get through things, that old fail-safe method of coping has to be employed.

This Thursday I am embarking on a mission to do something that scares the ever-loving tar out of me.

Showing my horse.

"But haven't you shown before?" You may ask - Why yes, I have indeed. "Then why does this scare you?"
Let me break that one down for you. I'll have to go to the beginning for this one.


When I bought my horse Breezer, I had ZERO intentions of ever showing him aside from the odd "fun show" put on by the barn I was at here and there. There was no chance in hell anyone was ever getting me out to an A Circuit show. I wanted nothing to do with that malarky.

Well something changed, I fell in love with my coach and her teaching style, and suddenly had this epiphany of "I can do this" I had a horse I loved more than anything in the world - who, when my world crumbled around me (this would come later) stayed constant and remained the one I could count on to keep me grounded and always keep my ego in check. - I had support from a wonderful group of people. I wanted to prove that I could take my horse and go to a show and not make a fool of ourselves.

Winning never mattered to me, to this day I have never gotten anything better than a second place ribbon at an A Circuit show, and I wouldn't trade those blue ribbons for anything. Every single class that I could exit that ring in one piece was a win for me. Any ribbon was a bonus.

Every show I fought a battle with my own nerves, feeling constantly nauseous and just having a constant mantra of "don't fuck up" in my head. Considering the fact that I really don't care about winning this still confuses me. I know I can ride my horse, I know he is a good boy. Why do I get so nervous.

The more I think about it the more I'm fairly certain it is because I want to make everyone who has invested in me on a personal and emotional level proud. This may sound silly but the best part of ever getting a ribbon was hearing the clapping and hooting coming from the section of the stands that housed my family and friends. Namely my Dad. I don't want to discount anyone else here but, it's a fact I am and always will be, no matter what - A Daddy's Girl.

So what changed?

Well the year Dad got sick I quit showing. I told everyone it was because I honestly just preferred watching (probably true) and couldn't really afford it (probably also a bit true). But to be completely honest, what was the point if I didn't have him there with me or to cheer me on. I probably always showed a bit more for him than I every truly did for me.

So I retired. I went to the horse shows I watched Kelly show Timmi, and I celebrated in the victories of my team members. I took pictures, and dealt hard truths. My showing days were over.

After Dad died I took a major step back from riding. My love for Breezer and Timmi never wavered, but it was hard for me to go out and actually ride so instead I went to the barn for hugs and snuggles (which never thrilled Breezer anyways) and usually wound up just spending time with Jacquie and her family. They put up with seeing a lot of me as I tried to rebuild my world that had fallen down around my feet.

Last year I finally decided that I was sick of sitting on the sidelines and the following year I would indeed be coming out of retirement.

Easier said than done, It's been a long road back for me. Breezer is almost three full years older, and at 17 ain't no spring chicken anymore. A year off of riding, my fitness and stamina was awful (still is to be honest).

And now we're here the show starts on Friday and suddenly everything that I have bottled up and ignored is finally refusing to be ignored. As my coach Jacquie told me tonight as I sat on my horse trying my best not to just cry uncontrollably (I did an awful job of this) she knew this meltdown was coming eventually. And it all started when Breezer chose today to be an asshole and decide to do everything in his power to get out of having to work. It was just one of those moments when you suddenly question all your choices and ask yourself "What the fuck am I even doing?"

This will be my first horse show without my Dad, and that thought scares me more than anything else. I can say as much as I want to about him still being there with me and all that jazz, but when it comes down to brass tacks - everything is different... and yet it remains the same. I know I won't hear him cheering for me, or get to hear him singing to Breezer in between classes as he holds him for me so I don't get slimed. He won't be there telling Breezer he looks fancy with all his make up on, or helping me shine my boots.

Yet I still want to make him proud and do this for him.

I'm still not entirely convinced that I won't get to the show and have a panic attack, and scratch every single one of my classes. I guess we'll find out.

2 comments:

  1. You will make him proud, without any doubt. He is already proud of you. He knows exactly how easy it would have been for you to stay on the sidelines. Whether or not you ride in ANY classes doesn't matter. You will be there. Breezer will be there. Your dad will be there... Don't forget that. We all love you and know (in the closest way that it is even possible for someone not in your situation to know) how crazy awesome it is that you have decided to do this. We all love you and will all be cheering you on. So dust off that sandy face and go kick that ponys butt into horse show action!!!!

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  2. I will wave pom-poms for you and cheer you on here in Washington. :) I love you and hope you do well. Don't forget the pictures!! I can't see without them. :)

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